I am struggling abit today – with the concept of time. In my head I think I will always see myself as a twenty six year old. I don’t know why my head has favoured this age, as opposed to twenty one or even forty, it was not a milestone age or even an age that could be defined as ‘special or happy’ compared to other years but when I think of how old I am and how old I feel I should be, twenty six would be it.
However, this cannot be right – for lots of reasons- the main reason being my eldest son is twenty-one today (and i was definitely not five years old when I had him!) Yes twenty one – when did that happen, I feel like I have just blinked and my tiny blonde, blue eyed baby boy has flipped the switch to ‘manhood’. I remember the first word, first step, first tooth the driving lessons and hormonal spots. I even remember when he moved out, to start his new job one hundred and seventy three miles away but I don’t remember either of us getting old.
I feel cheated, robbed – I often moan I’m sick of kids and how I cannot wait for them to grow up and move out, so I can get my life back – I take it back. I lied. I want to reverse the clock, cuddle my small babies again, tell them I love them and do the things that I wish I had done. I wish I had left the house work and realised just how daft it was to think it was important and played with my children more. I wish I had made more mess with them and laughed at the holes in the knees in their school uniforms. I wish I had took more photos, made more memories. I wish I had realised twenty-one years would go in the blink of an eye.
I did never skimp on the I love yous though – even if they were disguised in “I don’t like you very much right now but I love you” statement (which I use/used alot through the teen years) and if I could give one piece of advice to my son now, it would be: always say I love you – and mean it – especially when you don’t want to or its hard because that’s usually when it needs to be heard the most.
So Son, I Love you – always and forever (even when I don’t like you) and Happy 21st Birthday 💜🎂🍻🎉🎈🎊🎁💜