Local Gangs on the Rise…

Read all about it, read all about it here, gangs on the uprise in sleepy Northumberland town.

Major police raids of the 3WD&P family earlier this month suggest there is still a fair amount of Mafia activity in Northumberland and North East area but it’s not on the scale of 40 or 50 years ago, when mafia bosses such as William da street dog ran things. We suspect the crime rate quickly diminished over time for a variety of reasons, from better law-enforcement to finding a new loving homes for these delinquents but even as the mob’s time-honored rackets started to run dry the Sopranos still managed to convince baby face Maggie Moo to recruit and encourage Willie da street dog to revamp and revive the gang culture.

Thus we now see a new phase of terror in the form of the ‘teatowel gangs’. These gangs are popping up all over the region (mostly in the high heat of the summer) and sees the initiation of members having to go through rigorous tests of torture in order to be accepted.

We can see here in the following photographs which were obtained by our undercover agent just how barbaric they are.

Each new potential gang member is forced to stay indoors, deprived of sunlight, oxygen and freedom and then further forced to wear’ (for a extended period of time) a cold wet teatowel around thier middrift. This is an ancient form of water torture, meant to cool the blood of the gang members and to stop them from reforming into sun worshippers and sunstroke victims, who them become sleepy and easy to confirm into society. Stopping this reaction makes for excellent, quick thinking terrorists (if they survive the horrendous pain and suffering) and if they do – they get to wear the gang colours. Willie (descendent of William da street dog) has been awarded the status of brown check – the highest rank available – making him mafia boss. Maggie (soprano) moo sports the blue check – appealing to the eye but deadly – withheld for the mafia bosses go to gals (whose deadly talents must not be underestimated.)

Lastly but not forgotten is the bodyguard, these are the exception to the dress code, often under cover and ready to pounce and protect. These roles are usually kept for the more experienced great dames – being that the older ladies usually have an abundance of experience and stealth but more importantly are unassuming and often can sneak under the radar as people overlook them and thier puppy dog eyes.

So be vigilant, these gangs are out there, stealing your sausages, sneaking into your bed and onto your couches. They are dangerous criminals, quietly waiting for thier opportunity. Should you suspect anyone in your area of being part of the ‘teatowel gangs’ please ring crime watch and report it immediately to your local authorities .

**DO NOT ATTEMPT TO CHALLENGE THESE INDIVIDUALS YOURSELF AS THEY MAY TRY TO RECRUIT YOU OR EVEN WORSE THEY MAY TORTURE YOU WITH THIER PUPPY DOG EYES…

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